Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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