Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
