Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
