I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
