after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
