it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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