Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
