and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
