Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All the doctor said was why
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
