just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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