I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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