just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
