Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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