I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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