no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize