I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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