I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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