hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
