If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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