I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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