i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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