my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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