New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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