Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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