She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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