well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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