who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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