bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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