My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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