if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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