Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize