If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
