this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
