So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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