I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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