I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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