she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
