Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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