You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
