So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
