Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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