I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
