I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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