yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
