He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
