Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
