In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
