it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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