Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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