I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
