Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize