I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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