Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
