yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
