so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
zippers are such a cool invention
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
