I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
