Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
