That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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