another moral hangover. fuck.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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