next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
