Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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